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how do I find a guy who doesn't just see me as some weird sexual kink thing and who actually sees me as a woman and wants to properly go on a date and cuddle and watch movies like c'mon just ONE person please

@kurusukono "Her" is a good app for queer dating but no cis men on there. Never tried to date a man so no advice there but I have to assume that most male demographics on dating apps are low quality (after all, they've got me on there!)

So yeah, friends of friends basically.
@kaikatsu @kurusukono > "Her" is a good app for queer dating

i tried this once and it's the most shallow shit imaginable. you don't get to write a profile or indicate what you're interested in, it's all just based on photos. avoid imo.

okc is probably the least awful as far as dating apps go but they're all a nightmare shitshow designed to destroy your self-esteem for profit and they are explicitly architected to minimize the odds of people finding successful long-term relationships, so, yeah, friends of friends is the way to go if you can.

having said that tho i can say with some confidence, as a bisexual woman who was looking for partners of either gender, that the men on dating apps were maybe less physically attractive on average than the women (what is it with men and poor grooming these days), but also much higher-quality than the brainless hordes of sheltered, profligate dogfuckers. ...i may be a little bitter.

no idea how one would go about predicting whether a dude's going to be a chaser (i assume that's the issue?) tho :/
@velartrill Okcupid was the worst app I tried, their infinite questions were already proved pointless in studies and nobody on it was desirable to me. Physical attraction is the most important thing to start a relationship on so it makes sense to focus on. Her/Bumble do it best imo where they put down physical stats and also some info like pet-owning, smoking or non smoking, drug using, etc. Tinder is just 100% looks.
@kaikatsu i'm not one to go "ugh, men" but, like, ugh, men
@kaikatsu physical attraction is important, sure, but even for incredibly shallow women like me, we need to know *something* about our prospective partners. unless it's just fuck-and-chuck one-night-stands; thats the only time we'd make those kinds of decisions purely based on physical attraction, and even *then* if you don't have an attractive personality, no looks can make up for that
@kaikatsu (you seem to be getting tinder and 'her' mixed up, btw)
@velartrill No? Tinder didn't have any stats, just pictures name age and bio. Her had other stats.
@velartrill Physical attraction is the starting point though. Then you find out more about them by talking to them. It's more reliable than how they would respond to very generic questions to a faceless app.
@kaikatsu it's not the starting point, it's one factor among many.

also who cares about the okc questions thing, nobody pays attention to those. it's about peoples' bios and the things they indicate they're looking for. values, children or no, marriage or no, long or short term, etc. that stuff is super important
@kaikatsu or, well, to be more precise, it *can* be a starting point. so can hearing someone speak, or reading their writing, or having conversations over IRC, or hearing friends talk them up, or a million other things. i've fallen in love with people without even meeting them face to face, i've found myself attracted to people without even seeing photos of them, and most girls are even less picky than me. making physical attraction the be-all end-all of this is, well, very male :p
@velartrill Being attracted to the idealized fictional version of someone isn't a good example, because if you met them and found them very unattractive, you would immediately see their other traits in a lesser light. Subconsciously you are assuming they are attractive to add another good trait to idealize. Physical attraction is the end-all, unless every single other trait is top notch, and even then its unlikely someone would bear a child with someone they found physically unattractive. You would not date someone with all your same values and interests if you found them ugly.

The only thing "very male" about it is actually recognizing it instead of flourishing it behind non-material reality. It is very romantic and nice to imagine that we care for more than what our ancestors did, finding the most attractive mate we can to produce attractive children which would then further our genes. But it's not so true. It is the most important trait. Even if you did do a deep dive into the paragraphs of OkCupid's users, a large chunk of your choosing to match or not would be based on the photos they presented. If you find someone ugly, you're not going to be too interested in their values. Maybe they can be a nice friend, but not a mate. I don't say this in an incel "grr women only want looks" way, but in rather a "we should embrace this" way. Photos should remain upfront and the star of the show as they are what people care about most for introductions. Values and such are important too, but they are only considered after the door-opening aspect of physical attraction.

And Her has values listed ffs
https://techcrunch.com/2019/06/26/her-the-dating-app-for-queer-women-revamps-profiles
@kaikatsu did you miss the "revamps" part in the URL?

not even going to respond to the rest of this because it's just one long non-sequitur tbh

@kurusukono men don’t want to go on dates and cuddle and watch movies

@kurusukono you will need to bully them into it the same way all the other women do

@kurusukono am I the only guy that gets this? Its almost embarrassing lmao

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